I’m learning what solitary is.

Aloneness pounces on you.  There is a profound feeling of solitary, of not exactly loneliness, but separateness.  I gave a gift to my sweetheart, one that was received with excitement, and a week later, it is decided to be not the thing. He saw someone wearing something similar (he says the same thing) and he mentions his impression that the individual who wore it is effeminate.  He decided he cannot wear it. It’s not his style now.

I see.  What I see is too much, and perhaps I fall into over interpretation. There is so much separateness. I can see that I am the person who stretches, who looks for something new and challenging, almost to a fault, to the point of distraction, if the moon was always in reach. I can see the years that separate us, separate me.  He prefers comfort and reminds me how much things have changed for him in order for him to join me in a different state, a different neighborhood, far away from the familiar. I try not to take it to heart. It was his choice and he could have refused. He claims that love is enough.

He tries not to judge but he grew up in an era where men knew that is was a horror to be considered gay or queer.  While he would  welcome anyone, it is too far for him to go to consider that someone might make the wrong assumption about him.  So the shirt can’t be worn. It’s not him.

It’s not a big deal.  He should have the Christmas present he wants.  That is how I would want it for anyone.  We are all separate in our style of receiving and giving.  I adore my sister in law, who will tell you up front and quickly if something doesn’t suit her. I struggled with my ex husband’s family, who you could never trust in their gratitude. Everything was perfect, and all the children were trained to say nothing different, for fear of hurt feelings.  It made for a sense of unquestioned family unity, and separateness was never faced, until I blew up the  family and found myself in my true state, alone and relating as best I can from my own heart.

I’m still deciding whether I got what I wanted for my lifetime. My boyfriend? partner? sweetheart?  He will return  the gift.


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