Confused by myself

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I am really lonely.

I spent a very busy few days at one of my daughter’s high school equestrian meets.  The weather was perfect, in contrast to the blustery February competition.  I was surrounded by friends and people who have supported myself and my daughter for years in this endeavor. A celebration for graduating seniors is always part of the final competition before the State meet next month.

Another structure in my life soon gone.

I tried really, really hard to stay in the moment, stay present to both joy and sorrow as they occurred. The team and my daughter had many successes. A wild card of a trip to the ER was even thrown in, as my daughter had serious dental pain that waxed and waned all weekend. “Stay present.  Don’t force sadness, don’t anticipate grief, but experience it as it comes”. I coached myself all weekend.  On Saturday I slept in the camping trailer for three hours.  I have a cold again. I thought it was allergies, but it’s really another cold.

I drove home alone with one of the horses as she was too looped out on Vicodin to help much by the final day. I came home to an empty house, other than my dog and cats.

This morning I sent a Facebook message to a man I haven’t seen for five or more years. I knew him in graduate school. He has visited me at my home in the last ten years, I just am not sure the last time I saw him.

I feel like a crazy woman.

 

This weekend I heard a story of a disastrous second marriage. A woman who has a girl on my daughter’s team thought she had found the love of her life. She looks back now and says she was vulnerable. She had a medical issue with her leg. She was fearful of her daughter leaving (she’s been a single mom for many years with just one child).   Her father died suddenly.

And she fell in love. Her daughter did too; he seemed the perfect dad.   His true colors didn’t show until they were married and the abuse started.

She figured it out quickly. She filed for divorce in less than one year. She went to abuse recovery group.

Now back to a difficult life.

 

Why did I send this man a Facebook message?

I am both lonely and fearful.  It’s so easy to lose your judgment. It’s so hard to be alone.

This man was a friend of mine in graduate school. He has a mental illness himself. He is intelligent, and kind, and analytical. That’s how I remember him.

I just don’t know.  I guess it can’t hurt. Or it really can.

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2 comments on “Confused by myself

  1. Dani says:

    So sorry for the pain you’re going through.

    • Thank you Dani. It’s not always so bad. I have years of barely addressed grief piled up…and just a lot of recent losses that cycle back. I appreciate your support.

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