The Tarot and the Universe

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I have recently developed a fascination for the Tarot.  Reading tarot, or even trying such a thing, is way out of character for me, but then again, I’m not really sure anymore what my character is.

I picked up a copy of Voyager Tarot, which has a modern interplanetary feel to it. 

I tried it out.

I thought very hard about my future, and then drew a card.

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“Universe”.

Not just “Star” or “Ace of Worlds” or “Priestess”. The whole flippin’ universe.

Now apparently (and I am a rank novice at this, believe me) each card drawn has both a positive and negative valence.

Universe.

Positive: The universe is open to me. I have a bedazzling number of choices. All that exists in my imagination can come true. In dying, I am becoming. I can “move” anywhere.

Negative:  There are so many choices, I may get stuck. In not deciding, I may turn to stone, like the statue depicted on the card.  Stuck in the past, I may fail to transform.

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I’m thinking of moving.   Staying in my house is cost effective, but the environment is cast in solid rock.  It is my past, and living here, I am also partially stone, partially in grief. Even with the flowers coming up, even with a few sunny days (finally), even with a rearranged bedroom, there is an intractable sadness.  My children will never return to their parents’ home to visit, because the home stopped in time and the tenants who were happy here moved away, if not in reality, than in spirit.  

 If I stay, I feel as if I will become the divorced version of Miss Havisham, in a house that stays dusty no matter how much it’s cleaned.

Ah. No wonder my older daughter avoids coming “home”.

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Now, the hard part.  Chancing the future and deciding to move. I have practical work to do. My ex didn’t want to replace the roof on this house.  First, I will need to refinance to replace it.   I will also have to tackle some repainting and minor repairs.  At least, I hope they will be minor.

I will not change houses before my younger daughter goes to college, so that pushes things back to at least the fall.

Even afterwards, though…where will I go?  Keep the animals and move to the country?Keep some of the animals and move to a smaller place?  Change neighborhoods?  Move to a warmer climate?  Find many new homes for the animals and sell it all; pack it up and move to New Zealand? If they’ll have me?  Chase my globe trotting daughters ’round the world? (that seems like it could be bothersome to them- I could stay one country away, depending on the size of the country)  What about my friends and my professional connections?  My health care?

There’s the negative valence.

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All I can hope is fire and intuition and cards and wise advice will help me. That perfectionism won’t stalk me, that the stars will guide me and I can step away from this place with pleasure and joy mingled with the sadness.  I wish I had someone to move with me, and I don’t.  I really want that. I really, truly do.  Even the Doctor has a companion in the Tardis.

For now, for the foreseeable future, I am alone.  Perhaps the next card drawn will show me something new, emergent.

I hope my next card is more manageable.

Something like “Galaxy” or “Planet”, maybe.

 

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2 comments on “The Tarot and the Universe

  1. This post is so much like my life at the moment, stuck between past and present. I feel you see more things positive about making a change (even though you are unsure of the change) rather than stay in the ghosts of yesterday.
    It is a lonely place, making these decisions on our own.
    Perhaps it will not be so lonely on the other side; that is it is making the decision that is lonely, not necessarily being alone on the other side of that decision.

  2. Yes, it’s an uncomfortable in between-ness, a kind of twilight zone. I have a hard time with evolution; I really like things nicely tied up. The loneliness is profound, and there’s anxiety with the decisions. Thanks for sharing about your place in life, it helps me to hear from others…

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