Why not start with the easy stuff, huh?
I resolved about one week ago to let go of some things that are holding me in grief on the advice of two serendipitous teachers-one old, one young.
I have successfully procrastinated for one week.
Tonight I’m headed out to the backyard.
I did buy some bricks, some interlocking concrete bricks with small stones in them. I made a circle with them in a bare area in my gar den. Most of the garden is bare this month, so that wasn’t hard to do.
I am gathering up all my papers related to “divorce orientation” and “why we are using the collaborative method”. I will keep the final decree, of course. I am gathering up all the unnecessary to keep first drafts. I’m burning the papers, and putting the electronic records in the electronic trash bin. I wish the trash bin icon could be turned into a fire icon.
I know I wrote that I was going to let go of the marriage as the number one priority. But I’m working backwards. Last year was so horrible, starting with the giving up of therapy and the quick pronouncement that my ex was leaving, it’s kept me psychologically sick.
I need to let that go…the meetings with my lawyer (nice gal, but still), the aggressive way his lawyer pushed me and how I had to stand my ground, the endless search for paperwork that mostly I did (as goes the marriage, so goes the divorce). The announcement to my child at home; the announcement to my child at college and her hostility towards me. The guilt over not providing a family home forever and ever, amen. The fear about paying my lawyer and the stress of balancing a billion personal tasks with a brand new job and the two others I kept to stay afloat. The fear that all love was lost.
Mostly I need to let go of the fact that I couldn’t find the answers to the question of “what does this marriage need”, and when I couldn’t find the answer, my ex sped out the door. It’s okay. I can’t always know what to do. I can’t create feelings I didn’t have anymore.
We couldn’t make it to the “spiritual marriage” that I’ve been reading about, possibly because we avoided the growth of the other stages.
People avoid growth, it’s painful. I functioned well without growing in my marriage. It’s unfortunate, but it’s a forgivable sin, I think.
So tonight begins the burning, the flame. I need so much to shed what I’ve been carrying around. I am a beast of burden, and that statement fully and completely accepts that I placed the burdens on my own back, a willing donkey, helpful to all, blaming myself when I finally balked.
I’m going outside now to build the fire.