I am wondering tonight what has happened to me.
I read a post from my daughter who is in Africa. All is well. She is clearly thrilled, learning much, observing much, enjoying much. I’m glad she got on the plane. I should miss her.
I received a birthday present and card from my friend who I truly fell for. It was nice to hear from him, nice that he hasn’t forgotten me.
My youngest daughter is talking about her acceptance to a college in the UK. I have no idea where the money for that is coming from. I’m contemplating her leaving.
My ex came up to the front door and dropped her off. He walked away after a polite hello.
What’s weird is I don’t feel much.
There’s something in psychology, an old concept, called “habituation”. I wonder if I’ve become habituated..used to…people leaving me. I’m sort of numb.
I feel I should be crying over my daughters, and deep down, I have the sense I want to cry. I feel I should cry for a lost marriage and miss my ex. I feel I should cry over a potential love lost abruptly.
Judge all you want.
In my poorer moods, I have challenged others I know to leave me. “Go ahead” I’ve said. “It’s happened before, it’s bound to happen again”.
I know, I’m supposed to roll with the changes.
Take a Zen like perspective on the impermanence of life.
Quietly breathe and let things go and go.
Above all, show my maturity, which is now chronologically clear. Which I’ve been showing since I was about four years old, by reports of those who knew me.
Instead, I’m just sort of resigned. I’m not mature. I’m not spiritually well developed. I know some stuff. I don’t always like what I know. I know what I’m writing here isn’t a popular perspective. It’s dark, and doesn’t lead to the sunshine and wisdom that spiritual seekers look for.
I’m not despairing, I’m just wondering why I don’t react anymore. I have a sense of humor, and irony, and interest…at times. I just don’t react as much to people leaving me.
Maybe that’s what happens when you’ve been shocked into submission, when loss has assaulted you. Others might do better with this. Perhaps my constitution is not very strong. Certainly people have been through worse and seem to do better.