There are so many possibilities. My head is spinning a bit, so I’ve decided to list them.
1. My marriage. Obvious, simple and gigantic.
2. The idea that my anger about the divorce will be instantly and perfectly resolved, that forgiveness is an end state that can be resolved through my own timing and force of will.
3. i can let go of the hope that has never quite died..that something is “meant to be” with my old friend. He is not available, and as my favorite author Thomas Moore says, “sometimes that person is not available. It’s as simple as that”. No long narrative. It’s the entire story. I’ve worked hard on letting this go, but a ritual might help seal the deal.
4. Control over my children’s happiness and destiny. One is an adult, one is nearly so. I could turn over their happiness to them and in the wider sense, to the ancestors and to God as-I-understand this Being. I will need to let go of saving them from their missteps.
5. Control over the perfect execution of my job responsibilities, my financial situation, and in general “how things turn out”. In fact, I would like to let go of control of any aspect of the future beyond the reasonable planning of any intelligent adult.
6. Control over my friends’ love for me and their suffering. I could let go of my ancient idea that somehow, if I can find the answer, they will love me and never desert me, because I will have proven I am good, tolerant, and indispensable.
7. I could let go of the fear that I will be alone and will never find an intimate partner, that I am old and therefore not valued and invisible. This is a hard one, because I do generally think that in our culture, the old are invisible and desexed. I could let go of the idea that I have to have an intimate partner and allow for possibilities unexpected.
9. The idea that I don’t need the time to eat, sleep, exercise, be creative, and take care of myself, that somehow I can push beyond limits indefinitely. I can let go of the confusion that “working hard” means suffering. I can recognize that sometimes I can work long hours but there must be a corresponding break or vacation.
As I write, an idea is forming.
Eight days a week. Eight nights. Beatle-ish, somehow religious. One fire per week. One statement or thought each day.
Maybe a way to start my sixth decade. I have my cedar, I have my two teachers, I have a fireplace or I can do a circle of fire outside. Bit rainy, but might work. I would need some rocks for the circle.
I’m seeing what blogging can do. Let’s see what fire can do.