Just a little advice

That’s all I wanted last night.

I called a long term friend, and asked him about whether the refinancing deal on my house seemed good and reasonable to him.

He bludgeoned me with the idea that I should refinance, but only to sell. “You’re a single woman living alone in a big house-that house should be enjoyed by a family”.

Well, okay.

I explained I had my large dog and it’s not really easy to rent in this area with my dog. I have a good deal on my mortgage, too. I’m not up for getting rid of my dog. It’s too much loss for me right now. I’ve had TONS of loss.

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He wasn’t interested.

“All you do is worry about money, that’s all I hear about. Get rid of your house. Get rid of your dog. It’s obvious your primary concern is about money.”

Okay.

Well, I’m not going to kill my dog  because he’s healthy. He also has separation anxiety and that makes him a hard give away.

and…

THAT”S NOT WHY I CALLED!!!!

I wanted advice on whether I should refinance and fix my roof, whether the deal I was being offered was a solid deal. That’s it. NOT a dissertation on my worries or the fact I shouldn’t have my dog or that I don’t deserve the house I have. PROBABLY YOU’RE RIGHT,  I wanted to scream. I DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING because I”M SUCH A FUCK UP!!!

I just wanted a sounding board.

I have a feeling I’m being put into the role of his (not quite yet) ex-wife, who had and has a fiery argumentative relationship with him. I have no interest filling that role. He liked me better when I just listened to him, just like all men, as far as I can tell, want women to be understanding mommies and just listen to them.

Please forgive me if any men out there reading believe you are different.  You’ll have to prove it to me now. I haven’t seen an exception yet…perhaps for very limited periods under very specific circumstances.

I have so few friends, I don’t want to avoid him. I think I might have to. He’s been kind in the past, and this confuses me. So many men are kind “in the past” and I give them so much leeway for current behavior I don’t like.

More loss, more sad, agonizing, dreadful loss and loneliness. I feel ill.

Everything seems like a betrayal to me. I know I’m overblowing this. I know what his issues and challenges are, but I have no one to go to with these decisions..just to be a sounding board.

I just wanted a little advice. I know I’m a fuck up, I said that earlier. Do I need to hear it again and again?

 

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8 comments on “Just a little advice

  1. Christina says:

    I am in the same boat. Never made the big decisions (never allowed to) so when I was not sure about the offer I had to refinance I asked the mortgage person at my bank. She looked over the papers and gave me her input. In the end, sometimes it’s better to avoid getting friends input and get an unbiased person’s input. Either way, you’ll be ok : )

  2. Pauline Autumn says:

    Thanks for that advice…those are words I can use!

  3. I think the hardest part of divorce is letting go of the good bits; and one of those is having that one special person who thinks of your best interests and to whom you can turn to and you can run things past on any major decision. Having to do that alone is terrifying, no matter how accomplished a person you are. I have gradually learned that, as scary as it is, making those decisions alone myself and NOT relying on others, is a huge confidence builder as well as a comfort by getting back the lost control in my life.
    I have only recently made the decision to sell my home as it is too big for me. I will do that in about 2 years time as I have other things to deal with ahead of that. However, the decision is made and that in itself is freeing. That decision would have been too hard for me in the first year or two as I still wanted the children to flock back to me and be the ‘family’ as we were. Now, only now, am I seeing the rebuilding of my life in a different direction.

  4. PS. I forgot to say, that I have relied on my accountant, commercial lawyer, bank manager and close friends to talk over financial decisions, but not my (now-ex) husband.

  5. I so appreciate your responses. Today was again lessons learned about boundaries with friends and others. Consequently, my anger is diminishing. I also violated another boundary last night-I asked for advice too late in the evening, when I was too tired to hear the objective through the subjective. Good to remember.

  6. Dawn says:

    I’m going to come at this from a slightly different angle. You wanted advice…and maybe you got what you needed, and not what you were expecting.
    He may have just called you out on something you need to focus your attention on. Are you too focused on money? Do you worry and talk about the lack of money too often? If so, perhaps if you can focus on fixing that way of thinking, answers to whether this refinancing is right or not will be easier for you to answer for yourself, and you won’t need his opinion.

    Just a thought. It has always been my experience that when I don’t get what I want, I am usually getting what I “need”…and that changes everything.

    🙂

    • I’m certainly willing to consider that point of view. Mostly, I think it was too late at night to approach this topic. I’m also becoming aware that I am too tolerant of others’ going on about their favorite issues..it’s a disease of therapists…and then I don’t like it when I don’t get what I give. Perhaps I need to be more mindful of the other side of the equation.

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