Terrified

Yesterday I was at an art class.  Our teacher, a good friend of mine, led the group in creating mandalas.  The mandalas were an instrument to form our intent for the New Year, a visual representation of our desires.

I’m suppressing my desires, because I’m terrified.

For my own benefit, for my conscious mind’s benefit, for the group, I chose the word “synthesis”. I drew this word out of a pile of words my friend provided, to get us thinking. She brought Tarot cards as well. I drew a card about the three Goddesses. All looked so feminista and powerful. I look like I’m in good shape, even with the cards I pulled.

I used three intersecting circles for my mandala, because if you can do three times as much as anyone, that must be good, right?

Oh for heaven’s sake, here’s a picture of it.Image

I’m not saying this is great art.

I am saying that I think last years Mandala was more telling.  Here it is…

DSCN0477

It’s hard to see the couple in an embrace in the middle.

I’m alone already, so what’s the big deal? I can do 20 more years of this, on the outside 25…. Or maybe I’ll die sooner.

Two women in the class were in a new relationship..with each other, that is. Both had left their partners of 20+ years.  Boom! There they were, all hooked up.  They seemed happy. I’ve moaned and ranted about my boss, not even divorced and already planning his new nest with his sweetie and two of her kids (she has four, he has two).

My friend and I went to a late lunch after the class.  “Are you dating?” she asked.

“Who would I date?” I said.

“Yeah.” she agreed. “Pretty slim pickins”.

Ah, just as I thought.  Impossible anyway.

Maybe what bothers me is that a lot of people I run into plunge right into the next relationship. Not everyone. I know another woman at my work who says she’s terrified of STDs.  It’s not surprising, she’s in charge of the women’s wellness program….it’s more than breast exams. But lots of people who get out of marriages, long, long term marriages…off they go. New love, new house (or condo) new set of kids (sometimes), new haircut.

I guess I’m jealous..so many people seem to heal so quickly. Quite honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this divorce..or over my “affair of the heart” as my brother described it. I could try to get over it. How do you do that? How do you MAKE yourself get over something?

What am I  terrified of?  Being alone. Getting mixed up in something impossible. The chaos of love, because now I know I can love someone, really fall, and then they  leave.  Change their minds like their shirts.  Or hook up with someone who ends up never changing his shirt.   Do I need that? I am sort of old for all this.

And then I think, if I want it, I better get it fast.

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