Pay attention to me!

I don’t feel so great today. I truly dislike the mornings. They are cold, and dark, and I like to wake up to the sun.  I’d airlift my city to the equator if I could.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I taught my class, which is half class and half exercise in stand up comedy, which interests me. I’ve never minded being up in front of people, or if I did, I’ve forgotten what’s it’s like to fear that experience.  Apparently, public speaking is the number one fear among humans, who are the only ones who think enough to fear something well in advance.

I lost any fear of public performance in high school speech class.  Really. One of my best decisions ever was to nerd out and join the speech and debate team.  I suppose for some people that’s social suicide, and somehow it wasn’t for me.  Keep in mind, I think an evening watching Dr. Who reruns is a great use of my time.

In fact, I relish being in front of others. I like to entertain people. It’s stupid to feel bored and miserable in class.  Yesterday, half of my class was taken up with a guest speaker. My associate had asked him to come and talk about health care integration. Nice young guy and just dreadful. I could feel the deadness in the classroom.We had a better time when I was up there.

I suppose if I’m honest, I want to be admired. When I reflect on my broken family, I know that I have lost the respect of my daughters -which at their ages, is not at an all time high anyway.  I’ve lost the attention of a partner, and my “boss”, a friend, is now caught up in his own divorce and replacement romance, which infuriates me to a degree way out of proportion to the situation.  He pays no attention to the work I’m doing. None.  He’s got a blonde new girl in his bed, and that’s the story there.  Fucking boring, if you ask me.

See? It does piss me off.

The highlight of the day was supposed to be a dinner with my neighbor, a smart and quite beautiful woman who is now, to both our surprise, in her mid fifties.  The subject of dating came up again.  I felt panicked. My friend is quick and witty, and in the eleven years since her divorce, she has had two other relationships end badly.  Why would I go through that again? Why? I think her sense of humor saves her….she tells me there are lots of funny things that happen on dates.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I enjoy my friend, but the talk about dating really disturbed me.  And a future all alone does, too.

The depression is just under the surface. Here comes another weekend, and it’s likely to pop up again. Do I indulge it or do I distract myself?  Entertaining others is a distraction, in some ways.  The audience is responding to an image, a set of ideas, and it’s only part of you. It feels good, but then you have to face yourself.   I have been on a metaphorical stage much of my life, I know how to please and I know how to entertain, and I like the feeling when others are pleased, but what about the other side of me?

I want someone to pay attention to that part, too.

Here’s one of my favorite performers. He came to my daughter’s college a year ago, and she bought tickets for my Christmas present.

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