Arg. Depression.

Hitting the high (low) points of the DSM-IV..Major Depression.

1.  I am having trouble getting out of bed.

2.  Nothing seems fun.

3. I’m crying spontaneously, feeling sad, when there’s no reason.  Well, of course there’s a reason, but it’s happening when I should be distracted or when everything in that moment is okay.  The crying doesn’t provide relief, like when it’s just grief.  Then you feel some relief afterward. It just keeps coming back.

4. I’m tired all weekend.

5. I feel worse in the morning. Melancholia, it’s called. I write in the morning, too, so I’m bleaker on this page.

5. I can imagine things to do, but can’t get myself to do them, unless someone is depending on me.  Poor motivation.

6. I feel so trapped by the weather here. It’s a big problem for me. I can’t conceive of moving though, because all my sources of income and support are here.

7. I feel like no one wants me, and I know, in my head, that’s not true.  I can point to evidence to refute the thoughts.  This is where cognitive therapy fails.  I can’t keep up the energy to keep refuting the thoughts.

8.  I can’t read complicated texts.  I tried to start the Three Musketeers again and I couldn’t concentrate.  I can read short blurbs, blogs, and simple texts.  I tend to want to reread stuff I’ve read before so I can at least comprehend.

9. I don’t feel hungry. I eat when I feel weak; it’s like an intellectual understanding that the furnace needs stoking, so then I eat. I was so cold yesterday evening, and then I ate pizza, and I warmed up.

10. I feel like I’m going to lose everyone. I’m afraid of losing my therapist, I can’t even really afford her reduced fee.  I’ve lost my physician because of insurance changes and I need to find a new one.  I”m afraid I won’t see my friend at work who was struck down by a sudden virus that has left her unable to walk. I’m frightened for her.

11. I don’t want to start taking medication again, but I feel that I should.  Maybe it would help, I don’t know. Making decisions is burdensome.  I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong one, especially financial decisions.  But also personal decisions. Who should I spend time with? Should I try to reconnect with old friends or make new ones?  I’m not very fun.

12. I don’t mind the idea of dying. This isn’t good. I don’t want to hurt myself, but if I found out I was not going to go much further, I think that would be okay with me.

13. My fear of men is getting too great. I’m not AFRAID to see them, or be around them generally, but I’m positively phobic about involving myself with them beyond professional contact or seeing them as the partners of others, or as my students. I have no sympathy for men who are potential partners; they scare me.  Again, I realize that they have their own problems, but I just want to SMASH them now. So I guess I’m angry, too.

14. My horse is injured, so I can’t ride her. It’s okay, probably a muscle strain. No vet bills, no real worries, it’s like twisting an ankle or something, you use ice and heat, and exercise the affected area gently. No big deal.  My daughter says I can ride her horse. An obvious solution. I didn’t think of it. I just despaired and cried into the horse’s shoulder, and thought that now I can’t even sell her or lease her as a lesson horse. This means I’m distorting my experience.

15. I feel old and ugly.

16. I cry when I write this blog. I hadn’t done that every time, and now I am.

So physician/therapist, heal thyself. But I can’t. I can get to a doctor for medication, but this health plan allows mental health only about once every six weeks. I know that won’t help; I’m sorry, I just know too much about counseling to believe that every six weeks is effective. That’s why I want to stay with my long term counselor. We need to quit kidding ourselves about that (read-Kaiser; why should I protect them?-they are playing at mental health care, and it’s stupid).

I guess I should find a new doctor. I’m scared of that a bit because I’ve been taking a medication for sleep for several (well, about five) years now and I have trouble sleeping without it. My use hasn’t increased, it’s just I’m afraid they’ll get paranoid about addiction and not renew it.  I’m not ready to have that crutch taken away.

Even so, the 12 steps. Admit you are powerless.  I think that I best make a call to a new physician tomorrow, and move up my therapy appt.  My therapy won’t make or break college for the girls anyway, and I guess if it does, they’ll have to go without the degree and deal with ugly cut throat capitalism on their own.Image

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7 comments on “Arg. Depression.

  1. dmchale says:

    My apologies in advance as I hear from your post your fear of men is really great right now, and being a man, you may not wish to hear from us. Delete this if you don’t want to read it…but I hope you do.

    I truly appreciate and have tremendous compassion for what you are going through. There is no easy way out, so I won’t fill this message with meaningless encouragements that “time heals” or ” it’s all going to be okay.” Right now, for you, it is most definitely not okay. But even strangers, like myself, can extend to you what love and support you are able to let in. There are many of us out here who hear your voice, and your struggle, loud and clear, and we do care.

    If I was there, and you would allow it, I’d hold you and let you completely fall apart, knowing that someone would be there to keep you from going over the edge. But I am not and can not be there, so I offer you these words from afar. Feel what you feel, and continue the courage of posting what you are going through so that it doesn’t remain a poison inside of you. Let it out.

    Those of us who are going through the exact same thing are still here for you.

  2. dmchale says:

    My apologies in advance as I hear from your post your fear of men is really great right now, and being a man, you may not wish to hear from us. Delete this if you don’t want to read it…but I hope you do.

    I truly appreciate and have tremendous compassion for what you are going through. There is no easy way out, so I won’t fill this message with meaningless encouragements that “time heals” or ” it’s all going to be okay.” Right now, for you, it is most definitely not okay. But even strangers, like myself, can extend to you what love and support you are able to let in. There are many of us out here who hear your voice, and your struggle, loud and clear, and we do care.

    If I was there, and you would allow it, I’d hold you and let you completely fall apart, knowing that someone would be there to keep you from going over the edge. But I am not and can not be there, so I offer you these words from afar. Feel what you feel, and continue the courage of posting what you are going through so that it doesn’t remain a poison inside of you. Let it out.

    Those of us who are going through the exact same thing are still here for you.

  3. Thank you so much for your words. I feel very isolated right now. I don’t really hate men, I’m just scared. I have been following your blog and I know I am not the only one…thanks for taking the time to write me even as you struggle as well. I know the energy that takes..it’s very touching.

  4. It is over two years since my husband left me. I have fought the diagnosis of depression, which had enveloped me the past 12 months, as I still believe that I do not have an inherent chemical imbalance in my brain that is causing my symptoms. I feel as I do because I have had this catastrophe happen in my life. For two years, I had been distracted myself by keeping busy and I was scared that if I stopped, I would fall down (and yet the sadness AKA depression crept in). Recently I was on annual leave and stayed home. I did fall down, into a very deep hole, and then when I began to get up I flew into a rage. I had not allowed myself to feel rage before (I am not an inherently angry person) as it made me feel so bad inside and I had held back from allowing the anger feelings to pass through me. I was really bad for three days (and I must say that I talked at length with my sister and best friend during that period and am eternally grateful to them for their support), and then remarkably and suddenly picked myself up. Since then I have been much stronger in myself and I can see more clearly things as they really are / were. I have been able to put some things behind me that I could not before. When I think about it, I needed that. I needed that time on the floor and I had never allowed myself to have it.
    Why I am writing this is because I feel now that there is truth in what they say of having to feel the pain at its most intense in order to get over it. Yet we try and do everything we can in order to distract or dull the pain so as not to feel it.

    • Yes, I think that is true..the part about feeling what’s truly there. My rage and anger are coming out in spurts. Towards the time when my divorce was being finalized, I really didn’t care to live much. I seem to be better now, although two days ago I woke up in tears, thinking that I would be alone forever. The grief comes in waves, it feels like a death, and I’ve had so many of those sometimes I feel like grief is a permanent state for me. I’m not sure. Thanks for writing me, and I ‘m glad hitting bottom for you got you moving towards the light again. Gives me hope.

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