Series of Letters about the End, Volume 2-The Male Friend I Never Wanted to Date

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Hello T,

Thanks for the Christmas card.  I appreciated the personal note and invitation. These days, it’s hard to know who’s going to want me around. It sounds like I don’t give you credit for your constant friendship. I do. It’s just that when the separation happened, I was scared that I’d be blamed for everything, especially by people who have successful partnerships or who knew M. and i for a long time as a couple. Maybe that’s just me wondering if I deserve all the blame.

I know you’re not asking for an explanation. At the same time, I feel like I owe you and probably the world an explanation.  The truth is, sometimes I can explain what happened, and other times I can’t. I can point to events, and long term issues that got glossed over.  I can say that losses, starting with Sarah, left me very depressed, much more than I recognized at the time.  I can say that I looked into the future without the children and saw nothing but darkness.  I saw my in laws, their life, and how deeply it was not what I wanted.  At the same time, I couldn’t see a path. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t see where or what to do.   I saw death, and not physical death, but the death of the person I wanted to be.

It seems like I’m saying M caused this death, and he didn’t.  He didn’t kill anything, except by neglect, and he didn’t know he was neglecting anything, at least I don’t think so.  I have no idea what he thinks his role in this was. I died unwillingly, through loss and stress and accepting some reassurance from the “wrong” parties, then losing that, too.  Frankly, good and bad events don’t make any sense to me anymore. What’s good? What’s bad?  I fired someone two days ago. That seems both good and bad.  I got rear ended two weeks ago, and for no reason, the insurance gave me $500 that was so badly needed.  Good? Bad?

I’ve tried to be a “good girl” all my life.  It’s hard not to think I’m being punished for having turned front the straight and narrow, but I’m not a victim here. I was unable to give M what he wanted, and he had waited long enough. I couldn’t give him hope for the future, I didn’t know how. I was tired and confused.  I felt like he needed to generate some direction, and I never had in the past given him that opportunity. Why? Because I’m anxious?  Because I tend to lead the charge?  Yes, and yes, and other things too.

 I’m tired of being good. I need to be myself. I am very, very lonely.  Both girls are deeply angry and though they would not be the type of people who would reject either M or me outright, their avoidance and criticism is palpable.  Some of it’s the age, I know, I’m sure the boys can be critical of you as all kids that age can be.   Nonetheless,  I sit in the doghouse, with the dog, and I try not to think of it that way, because then I feel I’m being a victim again.

I have some bright spots. I have three separate jobs and I love them all. I feel so so happy to have finally been able to use my education to the fullest extent. I take real joy in working with grad students. They probably are filling the role my girls are so soundly rejecting.  I am learning again at my job as a mental health manager at the Native American agency here.  Listen to those stories and I have nothing to cry about.  I met the sister I had never met just this Christmas, and I see a kinship, and I don’t feel so bizarre.  Similar sense of humor, similar anxiety, interesting and smart.

I’m trying to decide what role the horse riding will have, that’s changing and it’s breaking my heart, because i will likely have to let go of animals that are my family members now, because i can’t feed my family.

Thanks for inviting me back into your house and your life. I guess I needed a “reinvitation”. I don’t want to lose you and B. or the kids.  I’m sorry for disappointing you.  That may not be a necessary statement, but I am sorry. I am grateful for your friendship.

 

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