Series of Letters about the End, Volume 1-The Best Friend


Hey you,

I agree sometimes you just have to take the adventure. Money is strange anyway, look at it too closely and it evaporates, ignore it and grows and sometimes vice versa. I saw money played with a thousand different ways to make this divorce come out “fair”. I guess I’m satisfied with the financial outcome, but who really knows?   A lot of it just depends on forces I can’t control, like the market or property values or who’s fucking up in Congress. Or if they fuck up in your favor.
I’d have gone with you to Vegas, baby! if B hadn’t had a horse competition that weekend.  It’s the last year, and time moves in one direction. That can be relied upon, anyway.  I’d have loved to seen that Shatner event with you. It’s true, in his world, we’re all just here for him.
I really don’t want to be around men right now.  There’s a few at work, don’t mind them, but I do find myself feeling angry at R a lot, and it’s just for being himself.  Oh yes, R is the guy who got me this well paid hard work job, and basically, he barely does anything and makes a ton of money at it.  I resent him for it, and the resentment is at least 60% about M, and I really don’t care enough to sort it out. I just try to forget about it and do my job.  Not my business what they pay him.  Most men just disturb me now and make me anxious; I’m fearful of getting attached and having them blow me off or whatever they do.  I can handle male clients alright, it’s just the potential for the personal relationship that upsets me.  I’m old, so they aren’t interested anyway.
Ha! We’re both old.
I feel my best when I’m my “own woman” as you say.  Perhaps it’s not possible for me to live with a man and compromise, etc.  I guess that’s why my relationship lasted so long, there was a tacit agreement not to bring anything up.  M’s learning to say “no” but he’s really piss poor at it so he says “no” for arbitrary reasons and so now I feel I must be arbitrary with him.  Sounds petty.  I really don’t know how you are getting through these years of sending kids back and forth. I’m thankful that I only have 1/2 a year to do that with B.
Wow. I really understand being in love with an idea of a person.  Projection, the essential element of failing in love.  Just thinking “they must be there for me, or why would I be here?”  It’s a trick of the mind, a pleasant psychosis, I think.  I don’t want it right now. I don’t want to be fooled, it’s awful.
I was in a better space yesterday. I had to fire someone (another first) and it was a good thing. I felt powerful getting rid of someone who really wasn’t doing her job. I didn’t do it on my own, of course, there were many people involved. I was congratulated though, and I deserved it. Everyone’s been avoiding addressing her misbehaviors for years. She did  just enough to convince you she was marginally getting by and those games are over. How great it felt to have her cross a line and then, hasta la vista, baby.   I do feel bad for her problems, but they’re not mine.  A step forward for me.
I dont’ brood, much. I have so much time devoted to work that I can’t and I guess that’s a coping mechanism.  My kids are out the door (well, B’s got 75% of herself out the door) and neither of them really want me around, so I guess I have freedom too.  I don’t know. No one really has any freedom, really.  I do like my work and I’m so glad I stuck with my education.  It allows me not to starve for now, and I even get to work with those in need and not starve, because working with those folks usually leads to poverty among the workers, too.
I’m going to look at flights to Colorado for the summer. I bet I can get some deals if I buy at an off time.  Maybe B would like to come with me. I am becoming a genius at money saving and deals. That’s something that I wish I didn’t’ have to mess with, but is also sort of fun.  It’s capitalism-I keep mine and try to take yours.  It’s poker on a grand scale.
Today I bargain with Q’s college and also Comcast.
Keep in touch. I’ll try not to brood. Writing helps. Painting helps. Riding helps. I do those things, and I’m getting by. I just feel kind of sickish a lot of the time.
P. 🙂

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