I am leaving off my two girls at the bus station today..to head off to see their dad and his family in Texas.
Then I fly back to the Northwest.
I am dreading it. I won’t see my oldest daughter until May at the very earliest. My youngest will be back in early January, not long away, but her senior year is draining off quickly and soon, I will be alone.
I am starting to fantasize about moving here, near my new found sister, or to a remote part of Arizona. I see grey and rain everywhere in the future, the blue skies of New Mexico are transforming into the oppressive darkness of the Pacific Northwest. There is a summer there, true, and I am past the horrible dark solstice, but the rains will continue, relentlessly, until June.
I have much to do when I return. I wonder if the divorce papers will be filed today; that was the plan. I wonder if the judge will find some technicality and throw them back at my attorney, if my soon to be ex will then reconsider and snatch back my share of assets, or find pots of gold amongst his relatives, his parents, which will allow him the luxury to undo some of his first less considered thoughts. I hope the money I can gain from when that young girl rear ended my ancient jalopy can be taken in cash towards my bills. I will happily lie to the insurance company and blame previous damage to that bumper on this accident; I am so scared about money.
My sister said yesterday “perhaps you will get back together” when I briefly explained the disorientation and confusion of being in an unmarried state after being linked for so long. I said “no, there is no going back”. I look in the mirror and see my poor attempts at coloring my hair, my need to get a hair cut and styling to maintain at least the semblance of professionalism. Fortunately my workplaces and profession allow some eccentricity, I’m not working on Wall Street. I look in the mirror and see the aging, the relentless march of time, and wonder if anyone would ever begin to find me attractive.
I used to feel attractive, a long time ago, and then a few years ago, when someone reminded me of my youth and I responded, a desperate retreat away from the death of my friend. He’s gone. I chastise myself…”Move on!” and I am trying…I promise myself, I am trying.Yesterday, at Christmas, my brother in law gave my sister a bottle of Chanel #5, and she burst into tears with surprise, pronounced the scent “sexy” and my brother in law made a cute innuendo. I wonder if anything like that will happen to me ever again.
I need those papers filed. I may need to move. I need money, and now I’m likely to be stuck with unexpected vacation expenses, because my brother and his family couldn’t make this trip as planned. As I think of it I am painfully aware that my sister and her husband are living on a very limited income, they should not have to cover the vacation rental that we were all going to share. I make a good income. And I am so broke and so broken.