Courage

I seriously lost perspective two days ago.

Threats and intimidation. They frighten me, more than I want to admit. I’d like to think that I’m the one who won’t be fucked with, but the truth is, the closer you come to me, the more powerful that weapon.  I’ll cry, and beg you to stop, and agree to stuff I shouldn’t. All to preserve the remnants of a relationship, the thread of hope that peace can be restored. What a wimp.

My ex (nearly) used his mouthpiece lawyer to threaten me a couple days ago, and I nearly fell to shreds, nearly gave up.  How devastating it is to have your spouse of 25 years say to you (or have his henchwoman say to you)…if you don’t sign this, all the agreements are off the table.  What? Hands were shaken! We agreed!  Apparently, this means nothing.  What I had requested was to verify some numbers, and he either didn’t want to do the work for verification (typical) or he wants to hide something, maybe a girlfriend on his last business trip. In the meantime, in another email he congratulates me in my brilliant idea that we share travel plans, in case of emergency.

 Look at me, my hands are clean. I get my assassin to do my dirty work, because I’m a nice guy.

I was so tired when I saw the emails, nearly falling over with exhaustion and sadness; I thought, well, take everything. Your avoidance, your fury when your avoidance is blocked, it isn’t worth it to me. My favorite reflex phrase “I’ll take care of it” came to mind.  Whatever. I’ll take care of it.  Leave me alone. The basis of the marriage..avoid conflict at any cost. Standing alone in the face of intimidation is not well practiced territory for me.

I had a tearful talk with a friend and he reminded me of the word “courage”. I didn’t realize that I was having a temporary failure of courage, I just felt like shit, like one more kick to the curb.  My friend said the words on the email were nothing, that my ex was the one pushing for ending the marriage before Christmas, and that the words were being used to make me think that I needed it to happen instead. 

He was right. I don’t need it to be done, I need it to be done right.  

My lawyer followed up, and indeed the mistake amounted to $25000 in my favor. An amount that will make a difference to me; allow me to fix my roof. My ex is happy to leave everything falling down and walk away.

I must not capitulate. Now I must make sure that these agreements are held to.  Here is where I need to grow. I am so reflexive in my desire to avoid rejection, so as Jung promised, what is unconscious will come up and bite you in the ass. Well, that’s not exactly what he said, but it amounts to the same thing.  Now my eyes are opening, I am awake, and it hurts, but it’s necessary. How much better I feel as adored, with others holding no complaints against me, a nearly 50 year old woman playing the child so that I won’t be kicked to the curb.  

As my friend said, feeling good isn’t everything, it’s a strange type of morality, if you feel good, then it’s okay.

Well, I don’t feel great, but I did find some courage.

Image

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s