Pleasing others

 

I was raised the be the good-est of good little girls.  My lack of tantrums and demands were touted through the family.  She is good!  So cooperative! So mature for her age!  She doesn’t get dirty!  We can bring her anywhere, she’s so well behaved!

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I wish they had shut up.

I still worry about being thrown out of relationships, be they personal, or work, for not being “good enough”.  I realize that my role is to make myself pleasing to others, to keep myself safe.  One slip and you’re through.  A bump in the road and you’re out.  I also learned from my half brothers… my father left his first family and kept them a secret from me.  When my half brothers did show up, they were seriously damaged-both of them, though the younger of the two made himself more obvious. Eventually, the bad children were sent off again.

So the inheritance of my family is “bad children get sent away”.  And although I haven’t been “sent” anywhere, desertion and abandonment is haunting me again. Long term friends don’t call or visit.  My ex is trying to pawn off his last trip to Europe, fully paid by his company, as marital debt in our settlement.  I have daily interrupting thoughts of the man who initiated a close relationship, then hid behind his “illness” and disappeared.

When a friend who does stay in contact doesn’t call for awhile , my first thought is that I’ve done something offensive. Conversely, when someone’s in pain, it takes the inner strength of Kali not to take responsibility for it.

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Last night I met Obama and his wife Michelle.  I am not sure why I  deserved that honor, but I was invited, and I believe my children were, too.  Obama looked exhausted and in pain.  Michelle looked desperate.  Well, that healthcare initiative isn’t going too well, is it? Of course, I asked what I could do.

Really? How is it my issue that the healthcare website fluked..and how am I supposed to help Obama?  Doesn’t he have a staff?  In my dreams, way deep down, another suffering boy-our President.  And I’ll be so good that he’ll be happy again.

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