Today, the day after Thanksgiving, I find myself alone, worried, and without a good sense of myself. I used to know what I was, where I was going, and why. I am nearly, quite nearly, divorced. A common and uneventful, even boring occurrence,in a time when half of all marriages end. Yet I find myself shaken, nearly panicked at times, although I have an excellent education, a good job or three, and friends. I will transform, it’s just that before, I thought I knew what I was changing into.
I may write about why, or what I think about how i got here. I’m not sure. I don’t know if anyone will relate to my musings, because I find myself estranged from others, and in fact, from myself. I have unusual interests, or they seem unusual to me now, and I see others look askance at me. I am forced to re-imagine my world, and I often translate my actions into fantastical deeds, or heroic escapades…and what I am doing, from the fly-on-the-wall view, may be the most ordinary of tasks. Not many bother with this type of thinking, I believe, and I see others at home in their worlds, while I feel that I’ve just landed on another planet. I see through photos what I look like now, a middle aged woman, and yet I am not that at all. In some ways I am closer to my teenage self, but I am not that either, because in some places, I hold authority, and further, I am vehemently reminded by my own teenager that I am post my good use date.
I wake with strange ideas, and have thought that I would use this format to relate them, because otherwise these ideas come out in circles, and stir me up, and jostle me into disorientation. I wake early, think on what i was before and wonder if it was worth giving up. I might write before I feed the cats.